In 2022, my mom had a major fall after already being diagnosed with dementia. She broke her femur and suddenly needed 24-hour care. My dad and I had planned to take care of her together, but he unexpectedly died of sepsis shortly after we began making arrangements to move my parents closer to me.
After my dad’s death, everything fell on me. I had to pack up their home, sort through their belongings, move what we could, and prepare for my mom to come live with me. It was overwhelming, but I had promised my dad that I would not put her in a care home unless it became absolutely necessary. For now, I am keeping that promise.
My mom moved in with me in October 2023. Since then, I have been balancing caregiving with my full-time job as a bookkeeper. I often describe it as having two full-time jobs. When I finish work, I sit in my driveway for a few minutes to decompress before going inside because I know my second job is waiting for me.
My mom is at risk of falling and uses a walker because she does not have enough strength to walk independently. She also finds changes difficult because of her dementia, so we try to keep her routine consistent. I have a caregiver who helps while I am working, but I still handle much of her daily care myself.
I even sleep on the couch outside her bedroom. I do this because I want to hear her if she gets up during the night and be able to help her immediately. She has a commode in her bedroom, and if she needs me, she can call out. I’ve been sleeping this way for almost three years because I would rather lose sleep than risk her falling or wandering away without assistance.
Despite everything, I still love my job and have no plans to retire right now. I’ve worked for the same grocery business for decades and was able to transfer when I moved. My job is my only source of income, so keeping it is extremely important to me. I have spent years building my career and hope to reach 50 years with the company.
My mom’s medical appointments and daily needs also take up a lot of time. In one year alone, I drove about 800 miles for her doctor’s appointments, prescriptions, and other needs. The year before that, I drove about 600 miles. You don’t always realize how much caregiving requires until you look back at everything you’ve had to do.
I also attend a caregiving support group twice a month. It gives me a place to talk about the challenges, changes, frustrations, and things I am doing to take care of myself. I’ve learned that taking care of yourself is important when you’re responsible for someone else.
I also try to make sure my mom still enjoys her life. She loves getting out of the house, so I look for reasons to take her places, even if it’s just going to the grocery store. We go to thrift shops, and once a week we usually go out for Chinese food and ice cream. Sometimes family members or friends join us.
We also find small projects she can still participate in. For holidays such as Easter, we might prepare baskets for family and friends. She helps as much as she can because it makes her feel useful.
There are many things she can no longer safely do. She cannot cook because using the stove is dangerous, and she cannot do laundry because she might accidentally overload the machine or cause a flood. Those limitations are difficult for her because she knows she is no longer able to do everything she once could.
Caregiving has been the hardest job I’ve ever had. I miss my dad deeply, especially because we were supposed to do this together. But for now, I take things one day at a time. With my mom’s illness, you never really know what tomorrow will bring. The time is passing quickly, and all I can do is make sure she is safe, cared for, and still has opportunities to enjoy the life she has.
